Just Shut Up, Please.

Just to warn you, this blog post isn't going to be particularly well focused. It's half past two, I've got Littlejohn's newest column open in another tab, and as usual it's so full of mental excrement, blogging about it feels more like shovelling shit into two piles: Horrible shit and... well, truly horrible shit. Plus, if you've read anything by me before, you'll know that I don't really do sound, reasoned judgements; I tend to deal more with crying tears of sadness for the state of modern journalism, digitising them and jamming them, all higgledy-piggledy like, into this here pokey corner of the internet.

Over-wordy introductions aside, hands up who's read Littlejohn's latest thinly veiled piece of nationalist tat? I have. And do you know what? It's pretty much business as usual. There's some flagrant hypocrisy, a bit or racism, and some *great* jokes.

Well, to be fair it looks like it's all just one big joke, but the detestable little bumdribble's being doing this for so long, I'm actually beginning to think he really means it - Which is both hilarious and hair greyingly horrendous, in roughly equal measure.

We begin with Richard's opinion on Binyam Mohamed, who as you probably know is a terrorist suspect who lived in Britain for seven years, before travelling to Afghanistan for reasons which are unclear, and was detained by American forces for his connection with a plot that was about as devious as Doctor No: pretty fucking devious, but luckily for us, completely bloody fictional.

So anyway, once it came out that the plan didn't exist, the Americans did what anybody would when they find out that their suspect was likely innocent: Tortured the poor sod until he admitted to taking all the teabags, leaving the milk out, or something else that would let them hate brown people a little bit more.

So anyway, after all the torture and the continuous allegations that were thrown at him, it turned out that MI5 might have been a little bit complicit in the things that were done to him, and he was then flown back to the UK as he was applying for asylum at the time, questioned and then released - That's the short version of events; if you'd like to read further, then Google is your friend.

Littlejohn's opinion on the event?

We owe him nothing.

Now I don't know about you, but when it turns out that I might have been complicit in the torture of the man, I'd at least get him some flowers or something. And anyway, argues Littlejohn, even if MI5 were involved in his torture, what's wrong with that?

They would be failing in their duty if they didn't make every attempt to glean information from suspected terrorists who want to do us harm.

Just take a step back and re-read that, because there's a couple of key words in that sentence. What Littlejohn is saying is so long as you think someone might have done something (Despite shaky evidence), why shouldn't you try and drown them until they say what you want? That's playground shit right there; it's like kicking the skinny kid until he says that he loves boys, or Mr Williams, the Geography teacher with the funny eye.

There is a legitimate debate as to whether he was tortured at all, in the true sense of the word.

Fair enough Rich, but there's legitimate debate as to whether he did anything wrong in the first place, and seeing as he's been let go, according to the courts of this country, he is an innocent man. R-Li then explains, expert of torture techniques that he is, that the things done to him were approved of by the White House (The same one that decided that the Geneva Convention didn't apply to these people), and then says it's completely fine when put into context with the 9/11 attacks - which is arguably a fair point, until you consider that Mohamed was never accused of being involved with them - in fact, he lived in Britain at the time.

Next up is the statement that no conclusive evidence has ever been produced of certain torture techniques allegedly used; which frankly is a bit fucking rich coming from a man who's failed to produce evidence for his own inflammatory bullshit before now, especially when you consider Littlejohn's de facto response to anything a dirty brown says is that it's a lie - Including Mohamed's reasons for travelling to Afghanistan in the first place.

Then Littlejohn says, without a hint of irony or anything, that:

The inconsistencies in his story are glaring

What were those kids called again, Richard? Those in glass houses, and that...

Next up, we're treated to an assertion that Littlejohn doesn't condone torture. You may remember him saying that MI5 "would be failing in their duty if they didn't make every attempt to glean information from suspected terrorists who want to do us harm", which to me implies pretty heavily that anything's fair game, so long as the bloke they're doing it to is a darkie. Richard says that MI5 shouldn't discount information obtained under duress, despite the fact that duress is considered illegal by British courts.

Long and the short of it: So long as someone says they did something, then it definitely happened, no matter what you did to them to make them say it.

Now, just to go off on a personal tangent for a moment; this is a man who is paid hundreds of thousands of pounds to write for a nationally circulated newspaper and an internationally read website, and he is essentially saying that torture is alright by him. Am I the only one that thinks that might be just the tiniest bit absolutely fucked right up? Thrice in his article, Littlejohn says that he doesn't condone torture, and every time this is followed by the word 'but...'. Seriously, how does this man continue to churn out this shit?

In fact, in a typical piece of Littlejohn backwards thinking, he asks:

How do you think this information is gained - with a cuddle and a nice cuppa tea?

Because in the world of Richard Littlejohn, if you're not making hot drinks for people, you're stabbing them in the cock - And there's absolutely nothing in between.

Next time a bomb goes off on a crowded Tube train, let's hope we don't discover it could have been prevented by evidence which had to be discarded because it was tainted by torture.

Good point Rich; but hey, next time the police shoot a man dead on the tube, lets just hope they didn't jump to conclusions and kill an innocent man, eh?

Next on the agenda is pub grub. Which is funny, because Richard Littlejohn doesn't live in the UK. Anyway, his point is that chefs don't produce fancy, ridiculous menus because they like to experiment with food; nope, they're all doing it because they're moneygrabbing tossbags. ALL OF THEM.

The next section actually made me sit up and take notice; it's interesting because it shows Littlejohn showing some kind of tolerance towards other religions. Until you read this:

Hindus are net givers to society, not constantly demanding special treatment like some other minorities.

Which is yet more generalisation. Working on a similar theory, I've just worked out that all newspaper columnists are turdy shit-repeaters that use their highly public positions for nothing more than to spume hate like a factory chimney belches smoke. I mean, Littlejohn and Moir do, so the rest of them must, right? I'll miss reading Charlie Brooker, but since this shocking realisation of mine, it seems obvious that all there is to do with newspapers now is papercut yourself to death, drinking in a heady cocktail of fear and shame.

Apparently, allowing Davender Ghai to be cremated the way he wants is a "a perfect example of British compromise"... Although trying to make amends with a man the nation's security services allegedly aided in the torture of is 'yuman rites' gone mad. I mean, for fuck's sake.

Then, two finish, there's two more little joy nuggets:

Obesity isn't an illness, it's gluttony.

Fuck off. Just fuck off now. Fuck right off. And don't come back.

Nurses say they'd be happy to [trim patient's nails], but were ordered not to because of the risk of a patient contracting MRSA through a nick in their skin. Hospitals are terrified of lawsuits.

No, hospitals are terrified of ill people becoming more ill. That's the point.

But even that's ignored in order to complain about the state of our health service - Which as someone who lives with and is in a relationship with a nurse (And by extension know other medical professionals), just makes me angry. Nurses are, b and large, lovely people who work far too hard, get far too little recognition, and have to put up with far too much shit from twats like you. They're also quite handy at finding the male G-Spot... Or so I hear.

The Mail G-Spot, should you be wondering, is a Lesbian Muslim Paedophile getting a free car and running over a Christmas tree. That chain of events would trigger a ragegasm so tremendous, the actual planet would shit itself.

1 comment:

  1. I've had to stop reading his columns (not that I have read that many) due to the fact I started punching out my screen in disgust. Why is he allowed to write (badly)...why?